Perfectionism: The Surprising Main Cause and How to Break Free
Perfectionism is sneaky. It can be a prison if you don’t notice its presence in your life.
It can look like:
Not asking clarifying questions when you are confused.
Not throwing your hat in the ring for a promotion or job that you want.
Tolerating something that isn’t fair or right because you don’t want to rock the boat.
Procrastinating on a dream by not turning it into a project.
The main cause behind these examples is trying to control what others may think of you.
Do you care what other people think of you? It’s normal human behavior to care, but when it controls your decisions, it’s perfectionism.
But this way of living isn’t freedom. If you let the question “What would they think of me” make decisions for you, then you may be struggling with perfectionism.
The real root of perfectionism is the fear that you may make a mistake and then someone would think you are _____ (fill in the blank).
Maybe you have a dream that you’d love to turn into reality, but you haven’t turned it into a plan yet because you are afraid of what people might think.
Or maybe there’s a person who is crossing your boundary, but you tolerate it because you are afraid of what they might think of you. This happened to me recently when my neighbors left their garbage outside the door for more than 24 hours. I wish I had spoken up sooner because it started smelling and attracting flies.
Why didn’t I say something sooner?
Because I didn’t want them to think I was an annoying neighbor. But I learned quickly from that incident that I am not wrong for wanting my shared spaces to be free from garbage and bugs, and if the only thing that makes me tolerate that is the fear of “what would they think of me,” then I am the one with the problem.
So ask yourself these questions to see if you are caring too much about what people think of you:
1. Who am I afraid to ask for help?
2. Who am I afraid to ask for clarity?
3. Who am I afraid to tell that they are crossing a boundary?
4. What dream am I delaying because I’m afraid of what someone else might think?
Start noticing what decisions you make or delay making because of what someone else might think. This will be the first step toward freedom from perfectionism.