9 Questions to Ask Yourself if You Want Better Relationships

Being good at relationships is a skill. This is true for professional relationships as well as personal relationships.

And since most skills require awareness and practice, being better at relationships is as simple as learning and practicing new skills. But the first step, awareness, requires some self-questioning.

Here are 9 questions to ask yourself if you want to start improving your relationships skills.

9 Questions to Ask Yourself for Improved Relationship Skills

1. Who are you embodying?

Another way to ask this question is, “Who are you being?”

Are you a person who loses your temper and gets frustrated easily when things don’t go your way?

This is who most of us are, especially as toddlers, before we learn the important skills of self-regulation. Many adults still haven’t fully learned the skills of self-regulation; therefore they may be embodying a toddler to a certain degree.

But, as we grow and learn we get to decide who we want to be.

What kind of person do you want to embody?

Here are some examples, as this relates to being in relationship to others.

“I’m a person who helps others stay calm when they are frustrated.”

“I’m a person who doesn’t take other peoples’ opinions personally.”

“I’m a person who enjoys being a leader.”

Who are you embodying?

2. How can I learn to manage my stress response triggers?

This question helps you understand how to self-regulate and stay calm, even when others may be dysregulated.

What activates your fight or flight response?

What makes you freeze?

We all have certain triggers, depending on our unique experiences and brains. Learning what triggers you and how to manage your own response will improve your relationships more than any other skill.

3. Am I trying to control, or am I open to learning?

I learned this concept from an article written by Dr. Margaret Paul, and it changed everything about the way I experience relationships. Most of us have some need to control when it comes to relationships, and this can block connection.

This could look like people pleasing (wanting others to like us), avoiding, micromanaging, or other forms of overt or covert controlling behaviors. These controlling behaviors are rooted in fear.

An example for a work relationship would be the need to micromanage someone.

An example for a personal relationship would be to avoid rocking the boat or telling someone that you are upset in order to control their feelings about you. (So they don’t get mad at you or disengage from you).

Where are you trying to avoid conflict by not telling the truth? This could be an indication of controlling behaviors rather than being open to learning about yourself, others and your fears.

4. Where am I afraid to tell the truth?

Where are you afraid to be clear in your communication? Are there areas where you are afraid to tell the truth?

If so, this could be an indication that you are trying to use pleasing or avoiding behaviors to control. This could cause a barrier between you and others.

5. Where am I afraid to ask for the truth?

Where are you afraid to ask for clarity? If you are afraid to know the truth about a certain situation, this could be another indication that you are letting fear get in the way of connection.

6. When am I ignoring my intuition?

Ignoring your intuition can create barriers in your relationships. When you are feeling a hunch that something needs to be brought into conversation, but ignore it, you may be creating barriers in your relationships.

Always listen to your intuition. Your intuition picks up on signals that are important for all of your relationships.

7. When am I confusing assumptions with the truth.

Assumptions can be confused with intuition, but they are assumptions because we can often avoid clarifying conversations that get to the truth instead of connecting. Your intuition will tell you something needs to be talked about or addressed. But assumptions keep you farther in the dark by making you think you know the whole truth.

8. When am I disengaging or self-protecting?

Often when we assume something about someone, we disengage as a way to self-protect. But this is a form of controlling and avoiding rather than connecting and clarifying a situation. When you disengage instead of addressing what may be bothering you, you move away from others instead of connecting with them.

9. Where am I protecting my ego?

Where are you trying to stay safe instead of trying to have a hard conversation? This keeps many of us alone and in a false sense of safety.

The only true safety is knowing that you can talk about conflict with everyone in your life, professionally and personally. But many of us have not learned this skill, and this pushes us into a lonely, unsafe space.

These nine questions can be the start to learning and improving your relationship skills, and they are important for all types of relationships, personal and professional.

If you would like some help developing your relationship skills, book a consultation here.